Beth Jones-Benson

Restaurant: Mariposa at Neiman Marcus

Lei: Portobello and Goat Cheese Napoleon: Layered with grilled eggplant arugula and roasted garlic. Finished with a red pepper coulis and scallion oil.
Jade: Applewood Grilled Salmon: On greens with toasted pecans, champagne papaya vinaigrette and Sonoma goat cheese.
Beth: Smoked Duck Salad: With pear, gorgonzola, walnuts and chipotle orange citronette.

Topic: Town Bric-a-brac


Beth Benson is an attractive middle-aged woman. She apparently ran for Miss Wyoming towards the end of her senior year in high school and made the finals though she did not place. Nevertheless, she makes sure that little history comes up in polite conversations. She is a lovely woman, with a lovely smile, cascading brown hair and a perky personality that makes one automatically drawn to her. She gives me the impression that she once was the "popular girl" on her high school campus---the proverbial "it" girl. Now in her late 40s, she constantly wails about battling those extra 20 pounds on her hips and thighs though she still looks good for her age.

Jade and I happened to be foraging at Neiman-Marcus. We weren't planning to buy anything but we sure were having a great time trying on some ridiculously overpriced designer shoes that we had no intention of buying even at 30% off, when we spotted Beth walking by. In the past, Jade wanted so badly to be Beth's friend. That didn't happen. Though Jade will deny it, I think Beth was just too threatened by Jade.

While Beth was short, Jade was tall and lean and while Beth tried very hard to look and sound like a 'valley girl' and at times called too much attention to herself, Jade was naturally olive-skinned with a very regal bearing-- she had a quiet, dignified manner. Beth was the kind of girl who grabbed one's attention. Jade the was kind of girl who doesn't grab. She just attracts quietly. Beth is all shiny and bright. Jade is all regal and mysterious. And because Jade was also a kind human being, she invited Beth to lunch with us.

I did not want to lunch with Beth. Like the cliched popular girl, Beth has her posse of other "popular girls" now in their 40s. They like to do things together--and when they do, if they don't talk about interior decorating or the latest cosmetic or fashion alerts from Vogue or Cosmopolitan, they like to talk about people. And when Beth talks, she has a way of making things sound....sordid.

"Have you heard about the Deveres?"

I mutter an "uh-oh" under my breath and Jade takes over.

"No."

"I'm really worried about Jan Devere. She clearly has been acting strange lately. I think we need to cheer her up. There's been so much going on with her. If you promise to leave everything you hear on this table, I'll tell you all about it and we can figure out how to help"

I had a mental image of crap being spewed on the table that is now about to host our lunch.

"They're selling their house---you know, the huge one. Rumor has it that they're broke."

I have to admit that I started getting curious. Beth proceeded to talk about how the Deveres have been losing a bunch of money on poor investments and overspending---the usual malady that affects so many of the nouveau riche in our little suburban village. Curiously, Beth neglected the part where we need to "help" her.

This is how Beth prefaces her latest news. The look of concern on her face is always de rigeur. And the need to figure out a solution is always the goal for propagating the news.

"And you know about the Turners, right? He moved out of the house. Greta tells me that they've had problems for some time now. I just love Greta but, one has to admit that she lets the kids walk all over her and....."

Blah-blah blah. I can sense that Jade was starting to get irritated.

Somehow, when Beth talks about other people, one gets mesmerized by her sweet face and the concerned, hushed tones of her voice. The corners of her eyes lift up as if she were an angel. That's the insidious part of it all. Although Beth does want to care about others, the intoxicating need to be the center of attention is what motivates her need to feign concern over the subjects of her conversation. She is what one would call "an angel of gossip".

There was a slight lull in the conversation---the kind you know will lead to something bad.

"So Jade---I saw Fitz last week. Twice, in fact. He looked very...."

I could scarcely hold my breath.

"....preoccupied.

Jade knew that Beth was fishing for something. And Beth was about to be out-witted and out-played.

"Well....Beth....things have been very difficult with us lately. We've had some very serious...problems."

Beth drew her face close to Jade in a gesture of intimacy and concern.

"I'm so sorry, Jade. It must be hard for you. How are you coping?'

Jade heaved a sigh.

"I'm okay. But it's good to get things off my chest with good friends around."

"You can count on me, Jade. When I saw Fitz both times yesterday, he looked swollen and disheveled. He looked like he'd been spending the nights in his office. I mean, he hadn't shaved and the second time I saw him, he had at least a 4 day growth. And I didn't want to mention this but do you know he's stopped wearing his wedding ring? I'm just shocked. Kris, Lisa and I have been talking about it wondering and worrying about you. I hate to ask, but Kris thinks that he's seeing another woman. Is this true?"

Egads. The three beauty queens of gossip. Kris Hunley, Lisa Barrett and Beth Jones-Benson. All ex-popular girls of long ago in varying degrees of cosmetic procedures---all of them wishing they had married someone like Jade's John Fitzgerald Orton. Good ol' Fitz.

And I could feel a left hook coming from nowhere.

Jade didn't say a word. Then she feigned bewilderment. Then pain. Then, in a slow, deliberate pace--with a very hushed, gentle voice, Jade prepared her hook.

"What the hell are you talking about Beth? For the past three weeks, Fitz has been worried sick about a huge land deal that he thought he may lose. We've invested so much of our time and money in it---we just couldn't afford to lose it. So he's been working at his office day and night. That's what I was talking about. I've been so worried sick about him."

POW! A hard left hook and a TKO. Score for Jade. Beth is on the floor. One....two.....three......

"But don't worry, Beth. Things are finally turning around. Fitz is just a charmer. To tell you the truth, he finally shaved this morning! And oh...yeah, he hasn't worn his ring because he got so swollen and the ring was irritating his skin. Since he's been eating better, the swelling has gone and so...well, he's all nice, smooth and "ringed".

Jade is in her element. I sat back and toyed with the idea of ordering dessert even if Jade and I swore we'd forego the creme brulee.

"Oh Jade, I'm so relieved we were wrong! I hope you understand that we just all love you and are concerned about you. We were sure we were imagining the whole deal. Oh....that's so wonderful that everything worked out"

What? No apology? The nerve of that banshee. She's busted and she knows it. I counted to 10 and she was still on the floor.

"That's alright, Beth. I knew your heart was in the right place."

Confound it! Now Jade is making me mad.

"Shall we order dessert, Jade? Creme brulee or the warm flourless chocolate cake a la mode?"

I was trying to tell her to stop it. I think Jade was gloating.

Lunch ended pretty much on that note. We didn't have dessert as Jade had planned. I didn't care. It was HER day.

And Beth? Oh no---she would not be invited to lunch again.