Kiki Krugman

Restaurant: Passages

Leilani: Shrimp and Crab Avocado, Whiskey Bread Pudding a la mode

Jade: Blackened Salmon Salad, NO avocado, no dessert

Kiki: Cobb Salad with Chicken, dressing on the side. Hold the bacon. Halve the eggs. Double the onions. Lemon-Caramel Cake a la mode, whipped cream on the side, hold the raspberries, "can you please substitute strawberries instead?" and "drizzle some chocolate syrup on top of the ice cream?".

Topic: We have no idea. Kiki's been prattling.

Kiki likes to talk a lot. She has interesting ticks that make watching her entertaining. For instance, she likes to touch her upper lip with her forefinger and then have a questioning look on her face at the end of her sentences. She has huge, teacup blue eyes that she likes to open wide, making her look somewhat innocent or child-like...though the dichotomy between that expression and her somewhat wrinkly face simply exaggerated her age. She has crooked teeth that were once bleached white but have now turned yellow again. Her hair is naturally curly but she likes to iron it straight and won't wash her hair until it's absolutely dirty and greasy. She likes to wake up early to clean her house...daily. There is a place for everything in her immaculately clean and tidy house and she has no compunction about throwing out anything that doesn't have a place to roost.

Kiki is also Jade's pilates teacher. If there's anything that Kiki can do well, it's counting calories. All she has to do is look at food and she can tell you with 98% accuracy how many calories one is about to consume.

And so, Jade and I wait in our places, ready to order while Kiki peruses the menu very carefully. She is very perky. For someone who's a compulsive exerciser, Kiki is inlove with food. She studies every item on the menu, asking impertinent questions that neither Jade nor I can answer. Jade glances at me through the menu as Kiki fires off her questions at the poor waiter. She signals at me and I realize that I needed to close my gaping mouth.

"You guys, do you think I should order the pasta? I wonder if they really know how to make a proper white sauce. You guys, I'm afraid to order the creme brulee 'coz the custard might be too thick. Hmmm....You guys, I don't like curly endive... do you think they can pick it out of the mesclun salad? You guys, what if the bananas are overcooked? You guys, do you think they make the cake from scratch?"

And so on ad nauseum. "You guys."

After she finally decided on the Cobb Salad, asked several questions about the dressing, if she can substitute vinagrette for the ranch dressing, if the greens contained curly endive, and on and on, the clearly exasperated but patient waiter took our orders. I have to admit I was a bit embarrassed by her demeanor. She was talking like a ditzy airhead dressed in a white T-shirt under a denim jumper and sockless Keds.

We talked about stray cats, her disdain for shopping and her stuffed bear collection--all of which, neither Jade nor I had any interests in pursuing. We listened trying hard to appear intrigued.

"I also like to read books."

Finally! A passion Jade and I both possess. As she shovels a forkful of greens in her mouth, I made a quick remark.

"Jade just finished reading Elie Wiesel's new book 'Night' and she raves about it. After I finish reading 'Dispatches from the Edge', I'd very much like to read it too."

Then with much excitement, Jade begins to explain what the book is about. We all listen with great interest.

"Kiki, what books do you like to read?"

"Oh I like to read children's books."

"You mean, like, Harry Potter or Anne of Green Gables?"

"Well, yeah, but I like Dr. Seuss books."

Jade and I paused for a bit, confused that perhaps Dr. Seuss had other books for the more 'mature' readers that we didn't know about.

"Really? Like which of his books is your favorite?"

"I have several I like but I guess if I had to pick one, it would be 'Green Eggs and Ham. I read it over and over."

As she prattled on and on about Dr. Seuss and his volumes, Kiki began to dig into my salad with her fork and lifted a lump of shrimp and avocado--I was saving the best parts of my salad for last. I watched as part of my salad disappeared into her mouth. Taken aback, I froze for a minute disbelieving what I just saw. Then Kiki dipped her fork into Jade's salmon and took a chunk of it into her mouth. That's when Jade stopped eating her lunch. I, on the other hand, hurriedly finished the last couple of bites. I'll be damned if Kiki takes another shrimp from my plate!

Kiki began discussing her Kinkade collection and recipes that she had collected through the years. Jade and I tried to appear as enthusiatic about the subject matters but Kiki mostly did the talking.

Ordering dessert was a whole new experience for me. After a long quiet lull in the conversation while Kiki studied the dessert menu, all the while muttering more questions to herself----or maybe for us to answer, she finally decided on the Lemon-Caramel Cake.

"Is that served a la mode?"

"No, ma'am. It has a rich ricotta and whipped cream topping."

"Well. Can you just have them put half the amount of that topping and then top it with a scoop of vanilla ice cream?"

"I'm sure that won't be a problem ma'am."

"What kind of garnish do you put around the plate?"

"Some raspberries and blueberries."

"Can you substitute strawberries instead?"

"I'll let the chef know, ma'am."

I could tell the waiter was getting annoyed. Kiki was clearly oblivious to this fact.

"Oh...I changed my mind. Can you just scrape the topping off altogether and put it on the side?"

"Ma'am the topping comes with the cake but I'll personally scrape it off the top if that's what you'd like."

"Well, ok. Just scrape off half and can you bring me some more whipping cream on the side and can you drizzle more caramel on the cake?"

"I'll do what I can, ma'am."

Of course, Jade and I were simply speechless and unable to put a stop to the insanity. To protest, Jade didn't order dessert. When the desserts came, Jade and I had nothing more to discuss with Kiki. We really didn't need to. She did most of the talking.

After Kiki ate her dessert and most of mine, Jade suddenly remembered that she had a 2:00 dentist appointment. After Jade tipped the waiter an extra $20 to atone for Kiki's impertinence, we stood out in the parking lot for a few minutes to say our good-byes. Jade and I waited for her to drive out into the street.

I hurriedly said good-bye to Jade, mindful that her dental appointment was only 10 minutes away.

"Good grief, Lei, I don't have to see Dr. Neslin! For Pete's sake, let's go shopping!"

From the look on Jade's face, I knew what she was thinking.

Kiki would never be invited to lunch again.